New Short Story! Liquid Melancholy

It’s time for a scaaaary story and–what? Halloween is over? Oh, so it is. Well, it’s not actually scary. Unless you count depression and loneliness to be scary. So… it’s scary.

Liquid Melancholy is a return to some old frenemies and wait that’s how you spell frenemy? I mean, it’s in spellchecker and that’s how you spell it?? But friend has an I before E except after C and oh never mind.

Liquid Melancholy heads back to Mintop to see how Conrad the Conqueror is doing. He has plans, but who cares about him we’re focusing on the magma monster here! Nobody ever visits the magma monster, and that has made Cagnorm lonely. They want a friend. Will they find it? To what lengths will they go to find one? That’s what this story looks at. Hope you like it!

A brief story of grunkiness

Grunkiness is basically what I’m calling how I’ve been feeling kinda depressed lately. For various reasons that all may just be capitalism, but let me tell you about myself this morning.

I stopped drinking disposable bottles of water a while ago. Bad for the environment, you see. I just use an old reusable water bottle and fill it from the tap. Except it’s a little bit leaky when you shake it. Well, I drink Crystal Light, so when I shake it up it kinda leaks, so I usually screw the lid on tight. Anyway I screwed it on too tight and the bottle’s dumb straw got dislodged and I couldn’t open it and I gave up on it and chucked it in the sink and just went to lie down because I’m sick of the dang thing.

In my annoyance I forgot that I actually do have bigger packets you mix into a pitcher of water, but I usually end up not actually making some because it’s such a hassle and annoying and I never feel like I have any time anyway. Except. While I was lying down I told myself that, really, it’s not that big a deal to do it. And my brain responded, “yes it iiiiiis.”

so anyway is that a sign of depression

That said I made myself get up to make some, told myself that when I’m out I’m going to start immediately making some, and

I feel kind of happy now??

I’ll take it!

Creator Highlight: Amanda Rosenberg

In this last highlight post until I am again able to remove myself from capitalism for a while, let’s look at another funny person I found on Medium, Amanda Rosenberg. She writes funny stuff and is an editor at some group thing-or-other on Medium, I don’t know how it works, it just has a name, actually, maybe it’s the banner that’s important, which would make sense since it went with the ugliest color they could find, come on, that’s not not nearly the ugliest color. Not nearly gray enough.

She has also written some pieces on depression. I’m here to talk about the funny bits.

Amanda has actually written quite a few pieces of mock company email strings such as from CEOs. I um. I assume they’re mock ups. I assume I’m using that word right. I assume these aren’t real emails. Here’s “Emails From A CEO Who Just Has A Few Changes To The Website“, with infinite scrolling and this amazing section:

What if the homepage was just a picture of a white wall? Think about it. People will be like “Where am I? What’s happening?” and isn’t that the whole point of having a site?

There’s also “Emails From A CEO Who Just Had A Great Branding Idea“, featuring a website covered in human skin. How’s that for the ugliest color to be found?

Next there’s this piece about Apple removing the headphone jack. I have never used an Apple product. I can only assume this is accurate! There are also these amazing “Motivational Startup Taglines” such as “BUILD THE PAST, IN THE PRESENT, WITH FUTURE MONEY,” and “EMPOWER, OVERPOWER, CAULIFLOWER.” Though I prefer eggplant. After all, there is no “can’t” in “eggplant”.

Um. Let’s move on.

Last one, and definitely the most powerful of the bunch, is “My Thoughts On The Brexit Vote“, and if you read this, Amanda, I am in no way trying to downgrade your other stuff in favor of what does appear to be random keyboard mashings! (Because of course I am certain every single letter in that piece was chosen with precision and dexterity? Dexterity is a thing people use to choose letters, I am pretty sure.)

Anyway, that’s some highlights for the sharp-witted Amanda Rosenberg. I’m out for…

Wait, you know what? No. One more thing.

I Replaced The Word ‘Millennials’ With ‘43-Year-Old White Men’ And Now These Headlines Are *Italian Chef Kissing Fingers Gesture*

It’s a pretty simple piece that just changes one term, but, here’s the thing. Apparently there was a little hubbub about a week ago about an editor-in-chief on the news site Mother Jones tweeting about hating millennials because they won’t vote for Hillary Clinton (or something–the tweet has since been deleted).

“43-Year-Old White Men Just Aren’t That Into Hillary Clinton, and it Could Cost Her the Election”

Mrlneh? I think maybe headlines related to Trump are even better. “Can Donald Trump win over 43-Year-Old White Men?” Although just about anything related to the election seems to work pretty well. Unrelated to the election but:

“Will the Left Survive the 43-Year-Old White Men?”

Actually you know the original piece I didn’t find too funny, but apparently when the idea is applied to actual series-sounding titles with possible ramifications on the real world and not just weird faddish articles I find it funny! Look I may be editorializing a little here but I’m pretty sure what we can learn from this is that I’m terrible.

Amanda Rosenberg! Check her out! Her writing, I mean.