A brief…ish metaphor for the USA times

Say you enter a cafe for lunch. Not a café, of course, because it’s hard to add those little symbols to letters while typing and the French suck–this is America, gaddfern it–in fact, we just start pronouncing cafe “cayff”. So anyway, you enter a cayff and want something to food.

How about a salad? Well, you’ve heard some weird stuff about it, some people say the lettuce wasn’t protected against disease and the tomatoes are mushy, but you checked and the lettuce was protected against disease although questions were brought up over the–I’m gonna say some kind of spray that protected it against disease? I don’t know can you imagine injecting lettuce with a needle? I looked it up and apparently a needle was found in some Romanian lettuce but I mean ha ha where even is Romania? Is it in Rome? I also found this which is adorable.


Also you checked and the tomatoes are mushy but, still, overall very healthy, very nice. I actually don’t like salads but I assume most people find them edible!

It turns out this cayff only serves one thing at a time, and it only changes every four years (usually). What it serves is decided upon by all the customers who happen to be there at the time. Whichever side is loudest most populous is what is served for those four years. Everyone seems to be focusing on two dishes though, neither of which is the salad. You ask a waiter about it, and they shrug. You ask a few more waiters, and then finally you ask someone who has eaten at the cayff before and they explain that the salad is available down in the basement past a rickety set of stairs, through a flooded passageway, over a wobbly wooden rope bridge over a chasm, and through a Roman gladiator coliseum. They put it there, and nobody ever took the salad, and so they left it there.

You manage to see it using some binoculars or something, and yep, it would be really hard to notice unless you go around asking and looking. No wonder no one goes for it.

You also notice a plate of butter-fried butter covered in nickels with a side of no health care.

Okay, you go back upstairs. What’s the two dishes everyone else is looking at? Well, one of them is an orange Skittle. A giant orange Skittle. That’s poisoned.

why are we eating here again

Okay, okay, okay, what about the other one? Hey, it’s a steak! That’s pretty good, right? It has a side of white bread sogged up with grease and a big hole cut in the center so it’s mostly just the crust, but maybe you won’t have to eat that. Maybe you can just eat the steak.

Although… now that you are remembering, your friend ate here a little while ago for breakfast. They had two steaks available, but one included a fruit salad, though there were some hard bits in the steak. The other steak–the one that is now available for lunch–was actually made of rat meat. Or pigeon meat, or whatever you want to say. Now, they’re saying this lunch steak is not made of that stuff. It is 100% grade-A beef, and it even offers some of the fruit from the fruit salad.

You don’t see the fruit salad, though (they say it’s coming), and you can’t be sure they’re telling the truth about the content of the steak. Sure, your friend could have been lying, but why would they lie, and also, I only said it was a friend because I thought this story might be inconsistent if you’d eaten here before. The breakfast metaphor doesn’t even work all that well. Also, some of the steak’s friends showed up and are dropping hints that the steak would go ahead with the TPP anydangway.

Let’s take a brief moment to reiterate the orange Skittle was poison. Also I can’t actually tell if Skittle is the singular form or if it really is just Skittles overall. Also Skittles is starting to look really weird. Oh yeah and by the way orange is my least favorite Skittle flavor. Actually I don’t like orange-flavored most things. Yet they always seem so common.

What was I talking about? Oh, right, the steak.

So maybe the steak is cool now? Maybe it won’t be rotten and stuffed with money? Maybe it won’t be soaked in oil and cooked in coal?

To push this metaphor unnecessarily further, everyone is divided into tables and each table’s vote is homogeneous, the plurality vote of the table is considered the general vote. You get dumped at a table full of people who don’t think that Skittle is poisonous. You might as well drum up awareness of the salad. The more people who know, the closer we can get to having more choices.

The steak may turn out fine. It may turn out figgin excellent. And the salad could even turn out mediocre. But the range of possibilities seems more positive for the salad.


I play video games

Two or three months ago I started an LP (“Lettuce Play”, it’s healthy) of Octodad: Dadliest Catch, shortly after getting back into the LP scene because my microphone was replaced. Then my replacement microphone died and I had to get a replacement replacement microphone. I’ve heard the microphone I have is good, I guess I just have THE WORST LUCK WITH TECHNOLOGY

Anyway now that I got another replacement I’m doing it again, I’ll finish this game next week, and also, every single video of this series is of a length that starts with a different digit. I am the worst at timing things.

Click for videos!

Quote Pages!

Almost three weeks ago I said that in a week I was gonna add quote pages. A few days ago I finally did that but didn’t make it publicly viewable until today for various reasons (most of which involve lack of sleep). You can access them from the menu under the heading “Duth Olec Says… (or) Words of Weirdsom”. Now, I know what you’re thinking. No one’s ever going to read them. Wrong! Someone, somewhere, may be scouring the internet one day for something to distract them while they’re trying to procrastinate. These quotes could help with that! I’m helping procrastinators! And what could be better than that?

Dumb Duth features quotes about me and how I am. Quite frankly, this (and the other quotes) is probably a better explanation of myself than any bio I could come up with.

Idiotic Insights consists largely of adages and other such well-known sayings twisted around into utter nonsense. A few of them, though, are original, and some of them are even intended to be serious.

Later Lines is there because people always think of something better to say later. There’s only one quote there right now, but I’m sure there’ll be some later if I remember to write them down, which I won’t.

Nutso Novelist are quotes specifically about writing, stories, novels, and other such things.

Society Salad are quotes about society in general–politics, economics, religion, media, and what have you.

Wait What? is really just your general Miscellaneous section, though for the most part I try to fit them somewhere else so that this will really be the utter nonsense section. The sort of quotes that afterward you just have to say “Wait… what?”