Shadow the Trumphog

A few days ago I made this post on Mastodon:

“Currently pondering what path Donald Trump would take through Shadow the Hedgehog.”

So let’s do it! Let’s see if we can’t figure out what path he’d take! The obvious one would be “he’s a bad bad man so he’d do everything dark and be bad and end on the path where he destroys everything” but I think we can be more nuanced than that.

Level 1: Aliens are invading a city, and you can choose to defeat all the aliens, defeat all the human soldiers, or ignore them all. What would Donald Trump do? I think he would view the aliens as immigrants and therefore attack all of them. Yes, I’m starting by saying he would go the hero route. However, in level 2 he would see they have a big, beautiful ship, and he wouldn’t want to destroy it, so he’d ignore it. That’s the dark path, so he gets thrown into some military jungle base. In level 3 the aliens want him to destroy all the military robots, but he wants a robust military. At the same time, some bee wants him to find these data disks, but that sounds complicated and boring, so he just ignores it all. Neutral route. That sends him into the sky in level 4 where the aliens are fighting some scientist guy. He still doesn’t want to destroy what really are quite fantastic ships, but he also doesn’t want to blow up the aliens’ power source because that sounds hard. Neutral route. He ends up back in a jungle for level 5 where Eggman is retreating and the military is attacking him, and, really, as much as Trump wants a strong military, Dr. Eggman is clearly a small business owner that the government is treating unfairly, so he blows up the robots attacking Eggman. That leads to level 6 where the aliens send him to their base because the military’s attacking them.

Okay so at this point I could go the obvious route and say “turmp hhelps the aliens, and becomes their tool, because it turns out, the aliens were rusisa!” But I think what really happens is Trump considers these robots too much work to destroy and just ignores him. This leads to the ending where Shadow declares himself master of his own life. Maybe not a big revelation to consider that Trump just does what he wants, though.

Odemon #805

President Lusamine scrolled through the document on her computer for the new proposal, jotting down notes as she did. She was almost finished reading it, and then she could consult her notes later. She had an engagement to spend time with her children, and she wasn’t going to let anything get in the way.
The phone on her desk beeped. Lusamine’s secretary informed her that she had an incoming call from the President of the Unova Region.
Lusamine groaned and leaned back. That was the last person she wanted to have call her. She told the secretary to patch the President through, she put a smile on her face, and she picked up the phone.
“Hello, Mr. President?”
“Lucy, baby! Long time no talking to you! I haven’t seen you since I visited your little Pokemon greenhouse project over on the islands while on the campaign trail!”
“The Aether Foundation, yes,” Lusamine said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see you more at that time.” That wasn’t completely a lie because she was sorry about what was happening at the time.
“Ah, that’s okay, I know foundations can take a lot of time! I got one too, you know! It’s a huge one, almost as big as all those people who voted for me! I was huge on the campaign trail, you know, I’ll bet my visit even boosted your foundation’s numbers!”
“Well, I–wouldn’t be surprised. To what do I owe the pleasure of your call today, Mr. President?” She tried not to gag.
“Always to business, huh? That’s what I like about you, Lucy! That, and your hair! And those shoes you always wear–I always say, you get confidence from shoes like that, as a woman, as a guy of course I couldn’t wear–!”
“Mr. President?”
“Right, right! So, I dunno if you heard, back on the campaign trail, I may have mentioned once or twice this little thing about a huge wall!”
“You mean the wall between Unova and Orre?”
“The wall IN Unova and Orre! It’ll be in both countries, it’ll be huge and fantastic, it’ll be a huge tourism boost for both of us, and lemme tell you, that desert Orre could use the boost! We’d be doing them a favor by building this wall!”
“The wall that you said Orre would pay for.”
“It’d be an investment!”
“The wall that you also said your taxpayers would pay for.”
“Kalos refused to chip in! Look, my point is, I’m trying to find a way to make this thing cheaper! I figure, if there’s a Pokemon that can do that, Lucy’s got it! She’s got all the Pokemon, from Abra to Trumbeak! That’s a fantastic name, by the way, I gotta give a hand to whoever named that one!”
“Mr. President, if you think I’m going to let you exploit a beautiful, innocent Pokemon in order to create a horrific structure like that, I’m afraid I must tell you you’re wrong.”
“Sheesh, don’t be such an ice queen, Lucy, it’s not a good look for you! I was gonna do something for you in return, after all, ’cause it turns out there’s some tabloids that have been muttering about spilling the beans on a little story about you!”
Lusamine froze. “What story?”
“Oh, I dunno, something that happened in the past, but it’s pretty embarrassing!”
She silently cursed. How did he find out about the Nihilego fiasco? “If you let that out, I could be ruined.”
“Hey, I said it’s not me, it’s the tabloids! Although I might as well have told them, I mean, I hardly think it’s anything to be shamed of, they were all fun times we had!”
“Wait, what?”
“You remember! When you were first starting and I helped fund your project and we spent all that time together!”
Lusamine’s eyes widened. Oh Pokegods, she’d forgotten about that. “If you tell them that you could be ruined, too,” she whispered.
“Stop blaming me! I’m trying to stop them, here! But it’s not like it’s a big deal, my fans love it when I do this stuff!”
Lusamine held her forehead. He was probably right. “Fine. If you promise not to call me again, I do have a Pokemon that might work.”

-Odemon #805 Stakataka

Apparently there’s a presidential debate tonight, so let’s look at the candidates as VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS

On one side, we have Donald Trump. He’s a default character available from the beginning. He hits really hard, but he’s slow. He has a degree of unpredictability that, somehow, just makes him really predictable. A lot of rookies play as him because, against another rookie or easy CPUs he often is easy to win with.

Then we have Hillary Clinton. She’s another default character available from the start, and she has a lot of skills and strength that makes her a strong character, but all her moves are difficult to pull off and require a lot of practice. Like, a really lot of practice. You doing anything else with your life? You won’t be able to use her very well. You need a lot of money time to get good with her, and those who do are usually able to beat everyone else easily. A novice can hardly beat anyone.

We also have Jill Stein! She’s a hidden, unlockable, hidden character who is really difficult to unlock. However, she’s easy to use and strong, so a novice is able to use her well, as is someone who has practiced with her a lot. She’s high in the tier list. Not top tier, though. That’s Diddy Kong, who was removed from the race for throwing mud. Or maybe it was poop. Either way, she does have some weaknesses, such as an inability to use items well.

Gary Johnson is also a hidden, unlockable character, but he’s the joke character. He’s not very good. At all. Though he’s also difficult to unlock.

Also, Bernie Sanders has been found in the game’s coding. He was cut from the final version, but he’s still in the game’s files in incomplete form. There’s some really specific and complex glitches that can let you play as him, and for the most part he works without much trouble. For the most part it’s just that a match with him and Clinton leads to some game crashes. He generally plays like a stronger Jill Stein but has his own set of weaknesses.

I hope you enjoyed this complete turnaround of my previous statement about being unable to social media anymore because I started my dayjob today.

A brief…ish metaphor for the USA times

Say you enter a cafe for lunch. Not a café, of course, because it’s hard to add those little symbols to letters while typing and the French suck–this is America, gaddfern it–in fact, we just start pronouncing cafe “cayff”. So anyway, you enter a cayff and want something to food.

How about a salad? Well, you’ve heard some weird stuff about it, some people say the lettuce wasn’t protected against disease and the tomatoes are mushy, but you checked and the lettuce was protected against disease although questions were brought up over the–I’m gonna say some kind of spray that protected it against disease? I don’t know can you imagine injecting lettuce with a needle? I looked it up and apparently a needle was found in some Romanian lettuce but I mean ha ha where even is Romania? Is it in Rome? I also found this which is adorable.


Also you checked and the tomatoes are mushy but, still, overall very healthy, very nice. I actually don’t like salads but I assume most people find them edible!

It turns out this cayff only serves one thing at a time, and it only changes every four years (usually). What it serves is decided upon by all the customers who happen to be there at the time. Whichever side is loudest most populous is what is served for those four years. Everyone seems to be focusing on two dishes though, neither of which is the salad. You ask a waiter about it, and they shrug. You ask a few more waiters, and then finally you ask someone who has eaten at the cayff before and they explain that the salad is available down in the basement past a rickety set of stairs, through a flooded passageway, over a wobbly wooden rope bridge over a chasm, and through a Roman gladiator coliseum. They put it there, and nobody ever took the salad, and so they left it there.

You manage to see it using some binoculars or something, and yep, it would be really hard to notice unless you go around asking and looking. No wonder no one goes for it.

You also notice a plate of butter-fried butter covered in nickels with a side of no health care.

Okay, you go back upstairs. What’s the two dishes everyone else is looking at? Well, one of them is an orange Skittle. A giant orange Skittle. That’s poisoned.

why are we eating here again

Okay, okay, okay, what about the other one? Hey, it’s a steak! That’s pretty good, right? It has a side of white bread sogged up with grease and a big hole cut in the center so it’s mostly just the crust, but maybe you won’t have to eat that. Maybe you can just eat the steak.

Although… now that you are remembering, your friend ate here a little while ago for breakfast. They had two steaks available, but one included a fruit salad, though there were some hard bits in the steak. The other steak–the one that is now available for lunch–was actually made of rat meat. Or pigeon meat, or whatever you want to say. Now, they’re saying this lunch steak is not made of that stuff. It is 100% grade-A beef, and it even offers some of the fruit from the fruit salad.

You don’t see the fruit salad, though (they say it’s coming), and you can’t be sure they’re telling the truth about the content of the steak. Sure, your friend could have been lying, but why would they lie, and also, I only said it was a friend because I thought this story might be inconsistent if you’d eaten here before. The breakfast metaphor doesn’t even work all that well. Also, some of the steak’s friends showed up and are dropping hints that the steak would go ahead with the TPP anydangway.

Let’s take a brief moment to reiterate the orange Skittle was poison. Also I can’t actually tell if Skittle is the singular form or if it really is just Skittles overall. Also Skittles is starting to look really weird. Oh yeah and by the way orange is my least favorite Skittle flavor. Actually I don’t like orange-flavored most things. Yet they always seem so common.

What was I talking about? Oh, right, the steak.

So maybe the steak is cool now? Maybe it won’t be rotten and stuffed with money? Maybe it won’t be soaked in oil and cooked in coal?

To push this metaphor unnecessarily further, everyone is divided into tables and each table’s vote is homogeneous, the plurality vote of the table is considered the general vote. You get dumped at a table full of people who don’t think that Skittle is poisonous. You might as well drum up awareness of the salad. The more people who know, the closer we can get to having more choices.

The steak may turn out fine. It may turn out figgin excellent. And the salad could even turn out mediocre. But the range of possibilities seems more positive for the salad.


Wherein I discuss Donald Trump for a moment

What if it turns out that Donald Trump has actually had a little radio transmitter in his ear all along and someone was telling him what to say, but a while ago someone put up an antenna on a nearby Drive-Thru Whale and it’s spouting gibberish for him to say?

We’ll know if this is true if his next speech is something to the effect of, “It’s the greatest day. It’s the greatest day! Seriously, it is the. Greatest. Day. The greatest day, and it’s in America. The greatest day is in America. Let’s make America great again, let’s make this day great again. We are going to make America the greatest day again. The greatest day is going to be America again. Sever your leg. No, I will not say ‘please’.”

Political “I told you so”

The US presidential race this year features number of key players: Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Jill Stein, Donald Trump, and some guy, Larry Jonathan I think? Clinton got the Democrat’s nominee. Sanders supports were sad. Stein supporters expected it.  Trump supporters… I don’t even know.

Let’s say Trump wins this November and becomes president. Clinton supporters will look at the Sanders supporters who didn’t then bend over for Hillary and say “I told you so.” Sanders supporters will look at the Clinton supporters and say, citing the idea that Sanders was a stronger opponent against Trump, “I told you so.” Who will be right?

Um, well, Donald Trump will be right, because he’s on the Republican side. But who will be left? Well, not the people who will go live in some other country. But who will be wrong? EVERYBODY.

Though I’ve read that more Sanders supporters have gone to Clinton than Clinton supporters did for Obama in 2008 anyway, which is kind of hilarious? I didn’t follow the 2008 election too closely because I was still young, what were their main policy differences? Although I’m not even sure that mattered.